*CONTENT WARNING! Common themes of this blog include, but are not limited to, PTSD and abuse, sexual and otherwise.*

Because trauma is one of those things that goes BUMP! in the night and sometimes you need a Fuzzy cuddle buddy to help you through. Cue  Fuzzy Trauma Llama. Spitting not included.

I’ve decided to start putting some of my writings on This Here Internet. I’ve made this decision because I’m deep in the throes of healing from years of trauma buried under years of not-dealing-with-my-trauma. Whenever I mention to someone that I have PTSD, this look of shock mixed with confusion flashes across their face. “You were a soldier?” No, I say. And then I struggle to communicate my “T” in PTSD without needing to have a difficult and graphic conversation about rape and child sexual abuse.

One of the reasons that particular conversation is so difficult is because our culture consistently and firmly reinforces the idea that “we don’t talk about that stuff.” It’s messy, it’s painful, it draws attention to the violence we allow to happen in our communities.

The other, and often more present, reason I have a hard time explaining my “T” is not because I feel shame, embarrassment, or self-blame, but because there simply aren’t many other narratives floating around out there. Survivors of violence have to search with great intention not only to find other survivors, but to find other survivors who are talking about surviving. The prevailing narrative about rape and sexual violence is that the attacker was provoked, the attacked should feel shameful, the court won’t convict the attacker anyway… There’s so much stigma and discomfort attached to the idea that someone would talk openly about the violence they’ve suffered. It’s something that draws a stern glare, saying, “this is not appropriate talk, shut it down” or a confused and bewildered response with an “I’m so sorry….”

I say fuck that. I believe in the Jungian collective consciousness. I believe that simply throwing my story out there, written honestly, with no sugar-coating or bullshitting, creates an opportunity for someone else to grab on. Everything we say, think, feel, and do tosses a li’l nugget in that big ol’ consciousness soup. Since we’re all eating from the same soup, my one little pea, or those few grains of wild rice, might just end up in someone else’s spoon. And that’s really the beauty of this healing and talking process. I don’t think true healing can happen on a personal level without really flowing with, and leaning into, the painful stuff. I also don’t think we can heal our community without honestly and collectively addressing the same painful stuff together.

So, here’s the first bay leaf, and I’ll just keep adding to the soup. I hope you find it tasty.

-FTL

**Obligatory Logistical Comment re: the future of Fuzzy Trauma Llama — The first few things I post up here will be writings I did on paper with a pen. Eventually, I’ll run out of those and start writing new stuff up here. I do still intend to write with my pen on my paper, so for the sake of preserving the trajectory of my healing journey, I’ll put a little “written on…” message at the top of the post if it was written sometime other than the date it gets published.