*CONTENT WARNING! Common themes of this blog include, but are not limited to, PTSD and abuse, sexual and otherwise.*

[written on May 10, 2012]

Today’s probably the first day this week I haven’t felt totally overwhelmed. I still didn’t make it to work in person, but I was online all day and essentially worked as normal. Between breaks and work, I mostly just sat outside in the sun. During all my breaks I read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. During this week of weird orb-ness*, very few things have become clear except that:

1. I need to have consistent, frequent outdoor time.
2. Water is soothing, particularly waves, and makes me feel grounded.
3. Meditating is totally real, no matter how new agey that makes me sound.
4. Therapy is awesome, everyone should dedicate this much time to knowing and understanding themselves with respect to others/society/etc. ||: above new agey comment : ||
5. Cook your own food. What better way to reconnect with your body when feeling lost, disoriented, exhausted? Nourish the body. It expends energy, allows you to take care of and nourish yourself, plus, the body has a natural tendency to seek rest after eating. Expend energy, eat, sleep, wake, and start again.

Despite this, I still fell just as lost as before, perhaps slightly better equipped to deal with it. I really did have to pull out all the stops to find this state of respite…or whatever it is. I stayed home for 4 consecutive days. For many of those hours, I never once looked at email. I slept during the day, at night, 20 minutes, 10 hours, whenever I needed to. I cried. As much as I could, which is at least a step in the right direction, I think. I did meditations. Sometimes I did a few meditations consecutively. I even “created” some of my own physical meditations, as I’m calling them. K mentioned that my intense love of solitaire and current impulse to play as much of it as I can stand, might actually just be an ok coping mechanism to have. I have come to realize pacing is very soothing. I also play this game where i tap each finger tip to the thumb in order from nearest (index) to furthest (pinky) and back again. First it’s one tap each. Repeat. Then two each. Then three. Up to five. Back to four. Continue back to one tap each. Repeat one tap each. If I can get through the whole thing flawlessly, it always means my mind is calm enough for muscle memory to move my fingers. I do both hands, one at a time, until I “win” with each hand. Somehow, by the end, I feel more grounded.

[…]  <—- there was a break in here, a matter of hours, it appears.

Since upping the meditating, I’ve stopped the whole solitaire thing. The intense pain in my chest from the orb of somethingness has somewhat soothed, and my main remaining feelings are tiredness, residual soreness, enough herbal enjoyment in my blood to last a few failed tests …

I want to read, outside, for a few days. Living in a tent by water with enough supplies to last me at least a few nights out there. I feel like I just need time. More of it. Or a pause button for everyone else. Somehow just a way to take a break. For me.

-FTL

*I often felt this orb thing in my chest. I once described it as: An orb. It glows, in my chest, orange-ish/gold. It feels like it pushes outward, creating pressure starting in my ribs and pulsing bigger and bigger. Feels almost like I could reach in and pull it out.

This orb is something that haunted my body for a long time. After a lot of searching, and lots of different healing modalities, I can say the orb has moved to the realm of Former Friends. A painful teacher, but an important one.