*CONTENT WARNING! Common themes of this blog include, but are not limited to, PTSD and abuse, sexual and otherwise.*

[written on May 11, 2012]

I very nearly went to work today! In general, I feel almost normal, at least with respect to the orb*. I walked to the grocery store, nearly finished Hitchhiker’s (and with only four pages left, it’s a wonder I’m writing this instead), and actually did a fair amount of work. It’s nice to finally know this orb thing isn’t just going to be pushing its way out through my chest every day until this process is closer to over. Today, the biggest thing I’m coming away with is:

• It won’t always be like this / This feeling won’t last forever.

I think this needs to be a sort of mantra when I enter these phases. When I was feeling so angry those few weeks last month, I got so caught up in it. I had no idea how to ease the feeling or get the energy out. Then there was this zen phase, then the contemplative phase, then this week of exhaustion and crying and soreness and the feeling of just needing time. Now I feel like I’m kind of moving out of this craptastic phase and I’m not sure what’s next. However, no matter what it is, I need to remember those are all phases along some sort of healing path, and luckily the nature of phases is such that they ultimately end. Angry? Won’t last forever. Can’t stop crying? Won’t always be like that. I think it’ll be helpful during difficult phases and likely true for the overall process, too. Right now, I have no idea what “the end” looks like, but it’s gotta be there. I mean…the end will never really be here, but at some point this is gonna get a helluva lot easier. It isn’t gonna be a daily surprise finding out how I’ll feel that day. Another thing coming out of today was:

• It is not only ok, but necessary, to take breaks.

I know I would not be at this point had I gone to work earlier in the week. I know I couldn’t have made it through Monday and Tuesday, but it was absolutely beneficial and wise for me to take the extra time. Even today, after a week away from the office, I am totally exhausted, sore, and by 7pm was ready to lie down. I’m sure not every phase will take it out of me like this one has, but even when things aren’t so catastrophically terrible, our bodies still brace for all that energy. We talk about our minds reeling, but my body is reeling now and I need to rest and sleep. Tonight feels really  similar to healing after a week of physical illness. It’s like I had the flu all week and now I’m just drained.

-FTL

*I often felt this orb thing in my chest. I once described it as: An orb. It glows, in my chest, orange-ish/gold. It feels like it pushes outward, creating pressure starting in my ribs and pulsing bigger and bigger. Feels almost like I could reach in and pull it out.