*CONTENT WARNING! Common themes of this blog include, but are not limited to, PTSD and abuse, sexual and otherwise.*

[written on May 20, 2012]

For whatever reason, I just haven’t wanted to write lately. I don’t know what it is about writing in particular that’s so hard. It’s probably that it’s so much slower than typing. K probably has some sage wisdom about why writing it out is helpful in a specific way — I know there are benefits to physically writing things out with respect to memory, etc, but there’s just something somehow exhausting about looking at so much empty space and the task of filling it with words. I’m in kind of a sad place right now. I’ve been so disconnected from my body, I’ve had a hard time making an honest effort to take care of it. Sleeping/rest is clearly one step in the right direction, but I think there are three overall goals I need to strive for aka Pillars to Strengthen Yourself:

1. Sleep. The good kind and lots of it! As much as my body needs! Caveat: Make sure to watch for signs of depression — sleeping/laying about out of despair, lack of motivation, etc.
2. Nourishment. This is of the mind and body, but also the spirit. Yes, I said that. I think this means therapy and writing in here, even when I don’t want to. I think writing is therapy of the mind that soothes my introverted self, so even though writing is like more therapy, I just need to suck it up. This also means feeding my body good, healthy, nurturing foods. It means finding a way to enjoy exercising with it again. This is key. Also, meditate. Sit outside, go to water, play softball, etc. Cultivate community, play music, listen to music, read…
3. Relaxation. The above, though some of those things are very enjoyable, are all active goals/Pillars — even sleep. The goals are to actively replenish or rebuild or evolve. This one is all about sitting down, or swaying in a hammock, or lying in the grass…this is about taking a break!

With those established, the evolution of this healing thingo will be much better supported. It’s no like there isn’t more suckage ahead, but at least I have some tools to deal with the suckage and now tools to use in rebuilding/recovery. Hopefully I get tools for discovery/enlightenment next!

-FTL