*CONTENT WARNING! Common themes of this blog include, but are not limited to, PTSD and abuse, sexual and otherwise.*

[written on August 17, 2012]

I never stop writing because the need is no longer there. I stop writing because I just can’t think about this anymore, or I just need a break from feeling all this crap. The problem with trying to figure out all this sexual assault/rape stuff is that it never stops. Not really. It sometimes gets better for a while, but eventually I get to a place where going to work just isn’t an option. All in all, things are better. I feel secure in who I am, I know I can handle this, I am committed to continuing, etc.

Anyway, I started having dreams recently about B not being in love with me anymore. In the dreams, I come to find out she’s just been going along with the relationship and she’s happy enough, but not actually happy with me. This morning when I woke up (I had a terrible dream), I asked B if I could tell her about it. She asked me to wait until she was fully awake, so I did. When I told her about my dream, she told me she thinks about how she never got to be a single queer and wishes she could just go make out with other people. She said it’s annoying that I am so needy sometimes. I felt like my chest collapsed. The feeling of seeing this fucking process take another relationship from me…to take B from me…it’s just too much to think about. This is all so hard already. I’ve been so lucky to have her beside me, but I fear I either have to lose her support or lose her. I know I could do this without her support, but I don’t want to do life without her. I don’t want to come out the other side of this fucking shitty, really difficult process, and find her gone.

I remember feeling pinned down, feeling hands, bodies…those memories make my chest tighten and my throat constrict. They make me clench my jaw. They make me want to yell and vomit. Thinking about losing B just breaks my heart. It makes me cry. It was so recently she was talking about songs for our wedding and we’re not even engaged. Now she’s talking about wanting other people and it’s taking all of a new kind of strength to keep it together. I’ve been fighting assault and anxiety and depression and PTSD and exhaustion and rape for so long, I’ve only focused on strengthening that part of my resolve. I can’t bear the thought of carrying all that plus the loss of B. It’s because she always encouraged me to be myself, that she always loved me for all my weirdness and all the pain…she helped me start this whole thing. Without her, I don’t know when I would have been strong enough to go through all this. But it’s not just that. I fucking love her. I haven’t loved someone like this and I honestly don’t think anyone has loved me the way she did. Or does. I don’t know. It just sucks hearing the person you love talking about making out with other people. I don’t know how I’m supposed to take that or what I’m supposed to do about it. It feels like I’m kinda stuck here waiting to see if my life is about to further explode. Like I’m supposed to just sit here and wait for her to figure out how much she wants to be with me, if at all, and how much she’d rather be elsewhere. Honestly, the thought of her not being here… Are we supposed to keep sharing a bed? Are we supposed to go on this vacation? How do we hang out with people when they know us as a couple and I want us as a couple, but she may not?

This is so fucking unfair. I didn’t ask to be needy and I didn’t ask to need support. I didn’t ask to be doing this nor did I ask to put my partner in this position. When is this going to stop fucking up my life?

Who is supposed to love us? If B can’t, who can?

-FTL