*CONTENT WARNING! Common themes of this blog include, but are not limited to, PTSD and abuse, sexual and otherwise.*

[written on June 4, 2012]

Today I talked to my sister about talking to my mom and, since then, I’ve been thinking about baths. I know, weird, right? Mom always suggested baths when I was stressed, popular culture always elevates baths as these amazing, relaxing, scented, feminine, magical places. I always got restless within about 5 minutes, stressed about sitting in water for another 5, tried to just chill, turn off the lights for another 5, etc. That’s it. Done. Out.

For whatever reason, today I understand the appeal. I actually want to take a bath. Now that I’ve come to crave water as a grounding element in my life, allowing it to soak me seems…cleansing. As long as I shower first. I mean, sitting in my own water is enough without mixing in a full day of work stress.

Anyway, post-connecting dots, I feel immense sadness, yet also a very deep understanding that these connections were the first example of many to come. “The end” — whatever that is — will be a more profound, fuller sense of connection, I think. Might need to seek Z* to get there.

For now, still waiting for a solid night’s sleep. Dreamt about E again last night — this time she just tole me she was sad. Tossed and turned all night. Exhausted and ready to just crash. Mind and Body both need it.

-FTL

*Z is a wonderful friend, teacher, mentor, spiritual healer, etc. Z has a rich life history and comes from a diverse healing background, including (but not limited to) transpersonal psychology, sacred healing, breathwork, medicine work, native american ceremony… Z also takes beautiful photos, but that’s just a personal note.