Tag Archives: Self-Care

Fuzzy Trauma Llama Plays with Building Blocks

*CONTENT WARNING! Common themes of this blog include, but are not limited to, PTSD and abuse, sexual and otherwise.*

[written on May 20, 2012]

For whatever reason, I just haven’t wanted to write lately. I don’t know what it is about writing in particular that’s so hard. It’s probably that it’s so much slower than typing. K probably has some sage wisdom about why writing it out is helpful in a specific way — I know there are benefits to physically writing things out with respect to memory, etc, but there’s just something somehow exhausting about looking at so much empty space and the task of filling it with words. I’m in kind of a sad place right now. I’ve been so disconnected from my body, I’ve had a hard time making an honest effort to take care of it. Sleeping/rest is clearly one step in the right direction, but I think there are three overall goals I need to strive for aka Pillars to Strengthen Yourself:

  1. Sleep. The good kind and lots of it! As much as my body needs! Caveat: Make sure to watch for signs of depression — sleeping/laying about out of despair, lack of motivation, etc.
  2. Nourishment. This is of the mind and body, but also the spirit. Yes, I said that. I think this means therapy and writing in here, even when I don’t want to. I think writing is therapy of the mind that soothes my introverted self, so even though writing is like more therapy, I just need to suck it up. This also means feeding my body good, healthy, nurturing foods. It means finding a way to enjoy exercising with it again. This is key. Also, meditate. Sit outside, go to water, play softball, etc. Cultivate community, play music, listen to music, read…
  3. Relaxation. The above, though some of those things are very enjoyable, are all active goals/Pillars — even sleep. The goals are to actively replenish or rebuild or evolve. This one is all about sitting down, or swaying in a hammock, or lying in the grass…this is about taking a break!

With those established, the evolution of this healing thingo will be much better supported. It’s no like there isn’t more suckage ahead, but at least I have some tools to deal with the suckage and now tools to use in rebuilding/recovery. Hopefully I get tools for discovery/enlightenment next!

-FTL

Fuzzy Trauma Llama’s First Steps

*CONTENT WARNING! Common themes of this blog include, but are not limited to, PTSD and abuse, sexual and otherwise.*

[written on May 10, 2012]

Today’s probably the first day this week I haven’t felt totally overwhelmed. I still didn’t make it to work in person, but I was online all day and essentially worked as normal. Between breaks and work, I mostly just sat outside in the sun. During all my breaks I read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. During this week of weird orb-ness*, very few things have become clear except that:

  1. I need to have consistent, frequent outdoor time.
  2. Water is soothing, particularly waves, and makes me feel grounded.
  3. Meditating is totally real, no matter how new agey that makes me sound.
  4. Therapy is awesome, everyone should dedicate this much time to knowing and understanding themselves with respect to others/society/etc. ||: above new agey comment : ||
  5. Cook your own food. What better way to reconnect with your body when feeling lost, disoriented, exhausted? Nourish the body. It expends energy, allows you to take care of and nourish yourself, plus, the body has a natural tendency to seek rest after eating. Expend energy, eat, sleep, wake, and start again.

Despite this, I still fell just as lost as before, perhaps slightly better equipped to deal with it. I really did have to pull out all the stops to find this state of respite…or whatever it is. I stayed home for 4 consecutive days. For many of those hours, I never once looked at email. I slept during the day, at night, 20 minutes, 10 hours, whenever I needed to. I cried. As much as I could, which is at least a step in the right direction, I think. I did meditations. Sometimes I did a few meditations consecutively. I even “created” some of my own physical meditations, as I’m calling them. K mentioned that my intense love of solitaire and current impulse to play as much of it as I can stand, might actually just be an ok coping mechanism to have. I have come to realize pacing is very soothing. I also play this game where i tap each finger tip to the thumb in order from nearest (index) to furthest (pinky) and back again. First it’s one tap each. Repeat. Then two each. Then three. Up to five. Back to four. Continue back to one tap each. Repeat one tap each. If I can get through the whole thing flawlessly, it always means my mind is calm enough for muscle memory to move my fingers. I do both hands, one at a time, until I “win” with each hand. Somehow, by the end, I feel more grounded.

[…]  <—- there was a break in here, a matter of hours, it appears.

Since upping the meditating, I’ve stopped the whole solitaire thing. The intense pain in my chest from the orb of somethingness has somewhat soothed, and my main remaining feelings are tiredness, residual soreness, enough herbal enjoyment in my blood to last a few failed tests …

I want to read, outside, for a few days. Living in a tent by water with enough supplies to last me at least a few nights out there. I feel like I just need time. More of it. Or a pause button for everyone else. Somehow just a way to take a break. For me.

-FTL

*I often felt this orb thing in my chest. I once described it as: An orb. It glows, in my chest, orange-ish/gold. It feels like it pushes outward, creating pressure starting in my ribs and pulsing bigger and bigger. Feels almost like I could reach in and pull it out.

This orb is something that haunted my body for a long time. After a lot of searching, and lots of different healing modalities, I can say the orb has moved to the realm of Former Friends. A painful teacher, but an important one.