*CONTENT WARNING! Common themes of this blog include, but are not limited to, PTSD and abuse, sexual and otherwise.*

[written on May 31, 2012]

This, friends, is what I like to call Sucking it Up. I say sucking primarily because I have felt pretty sucktastic the past week or so, and also because I’ve avoided writing the entire time since I fear the suckage of writing, as well. Thus, Sucking it Up. Embark:

This sucks. I know, I know, it was ~20 years ago, blah blah. This fucking sucks. This week, it’s been sadness, nightmares, disrupted sleep, exhaustion, and crying. And more crying. Including on my Wednesday morning walk to the train, which turned into a cryfest+pep talk+going back home…. In fact, I stayed home Tuesday and Wednesday this week & honestly hardly made it through today. My seemingly perpetual cycle of headache vs not headache is enough to make me crazy. I feel like there have been so many fucked up emotions this week, I’m just utterly overwhelmed.

I was searching for info about coping with a job or other daily activities today and came across this thing people who are healing from sexual assault/rape are supposed to read every morning (http://www.pandys.org/articles/readthiseverymorning.html, from Pandora’s Project out of Minneapolis, MN). At the very beginning, it says if you get out of bed, you’re doing well. If you have a job, you’re doing amazingly. It continues for a while and the very last one says (or, rather, toward the end) if you’re only able to exist, there are people waiting for when you’re ready to live again. Honestly, some days I feel like it’s enough to ask myself to just be awake. Other days, I feel like if I could just be awake, and do nothing else, it would be the most productive day. I’m having a hard time stringing thoughts together tonight.

Sometimes, and a few times in the last month, I have simply (err…) felt as though the only way to deal with the anger or sadness or anxiety or exhaustion is just to feel it all. All the weight and might and pressure — ride it out. I think that’s another component to my need for time. It’s like I need to get to a place where I can let go and have some of this backlogged stuff run its course. Sometimes it is just too damn hard to be in the same world as everyone else. I mean, sometimes it’s just too damn hard to begin with, but lately this feeling has been building, like I just don’t operate in the same reality as other people. It’s as if the sadness and pain and all this healing is just too much to fathom in most people’s reality and it is such an unmistakably huge part of everything in my life right now, I feel like I’m moving in a different realm.

Ugh, there are too many things going on in my head right now. I can’t keep my thoughts straight.

I am so tired.

Also, I read the average for this process is 3-5 years. Ok.

-FTL